My apologies for the long wait between posts. As much as I would love to have something interesting to write each night, it’s unfortunately common that I sit at my computer, staring at that stupid blinking cursor, waiting for my muse to finish her hand of canasta or whatever the hell she’s doing rather than making with the inspiration. The last few weeks have been jammed full of the kind of stress they use to test high-tension bridge cables, and it makes it somewhat difficult to think of a hilarious commentary on pie and step aerobics.
The last week has not been completely bereft of pleasant moments. Saturday, I attended my second TSFL meeting, and got to meet many more people who are somewhere on the path to being significantly smaller than they used to be. Some are right at the beginning of their trip. My sister just finished her first week on the program, and is ecstatic at the fact that nine pounds has melted away in less time than it takes to close escrow on a house. Yes, that’s a shitty analogy, but I’ve told you I’ve got some wicked writer’s block, so you’re going to chuckle and move to the next paragraph.
Some of the people there have hit their target weight, or are drawing ever-closer to that day of days. Those people stand up in their new svelte clothes, and reflect on the person that they used to be. As bewildering as it is, I’m close enough to my goal that people just starting out were coming to me for advice. “Start a blog and post a picture of Dwayne Johnson without his shirt on,” I would say, nodding sagely. “Your traffic will EXPLODE.”
At one point, I met a very kind woman who thanked me for writing the blog. We chatted for a bit, and I wished her luck on the program. Before we left, she grinned broadly at me and said, “Soon you’re going to have to change the name. You’re not a fat nerd anymore!”
That one comment has been rattling around my head for days. While I’ve yet to reach my target weight, I am no longer what any person would consider “fat”. Granted, it’s a somewhat subjective term, but I have had the experience of someone seeing me prepare a Medifast brownie, and ask why I’m eating it. When I explained that I am on a healthy eating program, they stared at me, and with genuine bewilderment, asked, “Why?”
The fact is that people who did not know me before I cheerfully waved goodbye to over sixty pounds of bad decisions and worse habits don’t understand the person that packed that weight on. When we see an overweight man wobbling his way back to his movie theater seat, his arms loaded down with popcorn, nachos and genuine imitation butterish substitute, that makes sense to us. We may consider it shameful or saddening, but it fits in our world view. And I used to make sense in precisely that scenario.
I’ve lost the weight, yes. But the man who stopped at McDonald’s on his way to dinner because a 45 minute drive necessitated a Quarter Pounder? The man who considered the feeling of being bloated and slightly nauseated after a meal a sign of victory? The man who used to consider thirty slices of American cheese melted on top of tortilla chips a snack? He didn’t disappear with those sixty pounds. He’s still there, lurking in wait. He’s the devil on my shoulder, whispering to me that just one doughnut, one plate of fries, one bowl of ice cream won’t really hurt. He tries every single day to lead me into temptation.
Some day’s it’s easy to ignore him. Leaving the TSFL client celebration Saturday, I was ready to run the twenty miles home while doing push-ups every time Justin Bieber’s hair looks stupid. But there are other days when the little gremlins and demons that make up the stress points in our lives act as a bull horn, turning that fat bastard’s whisper into a booming roar of command. On those days, he’s still very much in my life, and he is relentless.
This blog is called Fat Nerd to Slim Nerd, and I won’t be changing the name. Because that fat nerd will always be a part of me. It will always be a challenge for me to make the right decisions. I’ve failed at dozens of diets and healthy eating plans, all because I assumed that once I began eating right, the desire to eat cheese by the fistful would become a slightly stomach-churning memory. It doesn’t. Those of us who nibbled and gorged our way to obesity did so because it’s a part of who we are, and we need to remember it, lest we find ourselves back at the beginning again.
I can’t say that I’ll never slip, that there won’t be a moment one day that I eat the way I used to. But each day, I wake up and make the conscious decision that I won’t let him win. He’ll always be a part of who I am, and that’s not going to change. But the slim nerd? The one who chugs his water, works out, and practices his habits of health? He’s not going anywhere either. They’re both part of who I am, and I’m the one who gets to decide whose voice is louder.
Jan. 2, 2013 Starting Weight: 280 lbs
May 5, 2013 Weigh-In: 219 lbs
Total Weight Loss in 109 days: 61 lbs
